Restless

This restlessness again, that I get right before I go to sleep. It's not really a restlessness, though, I think. Maybe it's more that I suddenly get scared, and I'm sure I'm about to lose all the hapiness I have right now, and It'll all be gone in the morning.

It's quite a horrible feeling, when I think about it more closely. It's a chill on this quiet and peaceful summer evening that is my life, some sort of realization that winter is always waiting just around the corner for you, just as you're getting used to the warmth that happiness brings. 

The chill is winter. The chill is tears. 

So I go to bed afraid. I close my eyes and promise myself that I will have the best dreams, that I'm totally happy and unstoppable. That in the morning I'll wake up happy, like I've woken up many mornings before. And I convince myself that this happiness is truly built to last.

I scare away the chill and go peacefully to sleep. But now I already know that tomorrownight I will get restless again, and look for ways and reasons not to go to sleep yet. Just stay up a bit more. I know that tomorrownight it will be worse than today, because today it's worse than yesterday. And one of these days it will bring me to tears and I'll be genuinly sad and cry my heart out.

And then I'll find the strenght to tell myself, once again, that nothing is wrong and I'm going crazy paranoid.

Which is basically what's going on. I'm going crazy paranoid.